Ephemeral Bliss

I’m almost believing as of this moment that we can literally go dumb if we don’t do enough brain exercise to keep our brain cells working.

I just finished my 8th article for the second week of classes and as much as I love reading, my mind can’t seem to keep up with the additional work thrown at it. Out of the 8 articles I mentioned, five were written in archaic spanish and I seriously got bloody nose after devouring them. I enjoy the class so much and I anticipate every discussion with vigor and fiery passion and the books I have to read are all far too interesting to be consumed in one hasty sitting, which is why it pains me to not give a hundred and one percent of myself during discussions and study period. What makes it all the more difficult is that I feel I have lost so much brain activity for letting my mind go dormant for five years that now it’s rebelling against me and my desire for education. Last week, it’s rebelliousness acted up by making me speak broken and incoherent spanish even though I already practiced three days before all my spiels for the class. So much for four years of undergraduate studies.

I really hope my brain will follow my lead and make me look less stupid in class tomorrow. Please pray to bathala for me.

I am officially the worst friend in the world. Why?

- Because I forget to greet my friends during special days.

- Because I don’t make conscious effort to make phone calls, send sms or even send smoke signals to friends.

- Because I give empty promises of dinner dates and film watching.

- Because I am the last person to find out that a friend has health problems, another one is nursing a broken heart and another one is celebrating a career mile stone. What happened to the just a phone call away Rhoda???

- Because I only get updates about my friends through social network sites and this is by far the most horrible realization I’ve had in my 20 years of friend existence.

- Because I’ve become overbearing and self centered, and I didn’t even notice this because I was too busy being overbearing and self centered.

So today I am officially opening my doors to the world outside of my life and celebrate everyday the fact that I’m blessed with people who love me inspite of me.

*Friends

A Las Tres

Pinaghalong amoy ng plema at gamot sa hika,

Tunog ng mababaw at humahagod na paghinga.

Humpak na pisngi at maputlang labi,

Mahinang katawan at nanginginig na mga daliri.

Pinaghalong amoy ng ulan at luha,

Nakabibinging katahimikan mula sa patid na hininga,

Malamig na pisngi at tuyong labi,

Walang buhay na katawan at nangingitim na mga daliri.

Pinaghalong amoy ng hamog at kandila,

Tunog ng impit na hikbi at malungkot na pagalaala,

Kailan ba makakawala mula sa bangungot ng iyong pagkawala?

Maaaring hindi na… maaaring hindi na.

Like two peas in a pod

We cradle, we hug

We touch, we kiss

We share moments of bliss.

Like two peas in a pod

We dance, we laugh

We celebrate love.

We live

Like two peas in a pod.

Dahil sha ang pinakamaimpluwensyang tao sa buong Pilipinas nararapat lamang na bigyan sha ng puwang sa aking maliit na espasyo sa mundo ng internet.

Narinig ko sa radyo na sha na ang kinikilalang boxing legend of the modern age dahil sa galing nya sa larangan ng suntukan, nagawa nyang pabagsakin si Hatton sa loob lamang ng humigit kumulang 5 minuto at magkamit ng anim na championship belts.

Nagawa din nyang pagkaisahin ang buong PIlipinas sa panahon ng kanyang mga laban, daig pa nya ang peace keeping forces na naglalagi sa Mindanao dahil tuwing may laban lamang sha natitigil pansamantala ang bakbakan sa pagitan ng mga sundalo at rebelde.

Tinuturin din shang best crime buster dahil base sa talaan ng mga pulis, zero crime rate ang Pilipinas tuwing umaakyat sha sa ring para magpatumba ng kalaban.

Kakaiba talaga ang gayuma ni Manny Pacquiao sa mga Pilipino pero kahit hindi ako masyadong fan niya, masasabi ko pa rin na proud ako sa galing nya sa boxeo at sa impluwesya nya sa Pilipinas.

Mabuhay ka Manny

Not all endings are sad.

I count graduation as one of the “happy ending” moments. A time in one’s life when it feels so good to have reached the finish line and to look back and realize that something valuable has been accomplished. Something hard earned has been received and a well deserved success was bestowed upon.

Today, my two baby sisters received their graduate degrees in Architecture and Education. Everyone inside Rio and Men’s home is celebrating
We do thank the Kamaganaks Inc. for all the support (financial, spritual and moral). We will not be who we are now if not for them.

I am never prouder of my family as much as today.

P.S. We just received news that bunso is a cum laude holder.
Mommy this is all for you.

I re - read the comments on my friendster profile and I discovered that I’ve changed a great deal since I graduated from UP and joined the Philippine work force. In these comments, I was almost always described with the following words: quiet, mabait and patient, simple and contented.

I feel that after five years I’m a far cry from the girl they knew back in school.

I’m not quiet anymore. I’ve learned the need to punctuate myself as much as possible. It’s my way to hold my ground and only by expressing myself audibly do I get the satisfaction of feeling the importance of my ideas and views. I used to be painfully quiet because I was shy and/or I simply did not feel the need to verbalize myself, I was completely happy hiding behind the shadows of my friends and family. all this changed when I went through higher education and realized that I need to speak, if only just to be able to feel that I am alive and I matter somehow.

Spoken words became my means to be felt by the people around me and for them to feel what I feel towards them. Yet, during my speaking days I still longed for the silence I used to have, I miss that girl who would just sit in the corner and though she’s alone she’s not lonely. I was independent that way, just give me a book and I can leave the cares of the world behind.

I’m not mabait and patient anymore. At least not the way I was known for. Makati’s fast phased lifestyle, my work’s by the minute measurement of my worth and the million things I wished I’d be able to do before I hit 30 have all caught up with me. It made me restless and anxious, I had little patience over everything and I snap at everyone. I don’t even have patience with miniscule things like opening the box of cereal or falling in line in a restaurant where the waiters/waitresses seem to be in slow motion (they are in fact in just the right speed). Patience was my virtue before, not it’s a prehistoric artifact in my life.

I’m not simple and contented anymore. After five years of working and consequently earning, I’ve forgotten one very important lesson my parents taught me: simplicity and contentment.  Ten years ago I was happy and plain, I had no material possessions and I had no money in my pockets. I go through my daily life with just enough and I didn’t bitch about it. I was fine penniless but peaceful. Some friends even called me the vagabond because there was a point in my life when I was extremely detached from worldly stuff. I was free and I would love to feel that detachment and freedom again. Sadly though after five years I was beaten by the system of wants, and after another five years I was finally eaten whole by it. Contentment is a very tricky virtue to master, it takes a lot of guts to make do with just the things that are necessary and let go of the things that are wanted.

It will take an awfully long time to undo the mistakes of the past ten years. I can blame the system, the environment, even the people around me on why I lost who I was, but in the end there’s really no one else to blame but myself. I let go of my virtues in exchange for this life of pleasure and gains. I was the one who embraced the faulty philosophy of hedonistic lifestyle. I wasn’t beaten by the system, I surrendered… I wasn’t eaten, I jumped right inside it’s mouth.

I need to retreat and retrace my steps, maybe I might find myself along the way.

I haven’t spoken with my ex for three years or so now save for one phone call months ago when he informed me that he passed his licensure exam. I was happy for him, I’ve always been supportive of his dreams even though we didn’t land on the right foot after having obviously started on the wrong one in our relationship. Our was fleeting but I should say from my part, it was a memorable one.

A few days ago I attended an event for the french speaking community in Makati and lo and behold! there he was in white polo and black pants, carrying a sling bag and speaking french fluently! I was surprised beyond belief! It was really him, sporting clean cut and parted side ways hair with specs on.

I stared at him for a few more minutes before I noticed that there was something off, something wasn’t fitting right. I stared, prodded and scrutinized and then that’s when I realized that it wasn’t him but his cosmic twin. It seemed like cold water was poured down my back, I was both relieved and stirred all at the same time. I smiled and thought, the gods of destiny must be playing one big ass of a joke at me.

It happened that cosmic twin was from UP as well and was in slight speaking terms with a friend who was from the faculty. One thing led to another and I ended up in a conversation with him. He was an outstanding guy, has perfect command of his communication skills and judging by how he spoke, he seemed the determined and focused type, a similarity he had with my ex. He told me he had plans of getting french as a second degree after he had finished his Engineering degree this April. I was amused and at the same time engaged, In my eyes he was ex in upgraded version.

Funny how this sort of thing just popped right into my life from nowhere to break my mundane existence. It reminded me that down the road, something better will come along, like a better version of an ex. The trick is to know when to let go and when to settle. I did not settle in third year college and until now I feel that my life is exactly the way I wanted it to be.

Going back to ex’s cosmic twin, the event ended and we went our own ways back to our lives, not knowing each other’s name and with little to no certainty that we’ll have a chance encounter again.

Then again, I don’t have periods, I only have commas.

Note: Ex turned 26 today.

10. I Hate that Filipino men think being a man gives them a free pass on household chores.

Maybe it’s because of how these men were raised by parents that adhere to the obsolete notion that men should find food while women should make food for the family, but being stuck in this idea is unacceptable in the 21st century. A family helps each other in whichever way possible, and that includes household chores.

9. I hate that Filipino men think that it’s “manly” to have a mistress on the side.

Filipino men are still filled in their heads with the idea that they are “lalaking - lalaki” if they have many girlfriends and/or wives. Like that makes their d**ks bigger. I got news for you, it makes YOU a D**K HEAD. Also, I don’t want to sound like a prude or a judgmental human being but I can’t understand how this country would rather tolerate a man with mistresses than let divorce be legal. I’d rather call it out black if it’s black, or in this case, I’d rather have divorce than keep a family in the dark and blinded with false realities.

8. I hate Filipino men who idolize the crooked Robin Padilla of the 90’s.

Even Robin Padilla himself eventually grew out of this leather jacket wearing, slurring like a stupid drunk, pretentious gentleman Robin of the 90’s. So if you still think it’s cool to be a drugged and eternally drunk guy who looks for trouble to prove that he’s a man should start getting your act straight, and to girls who still think it makes them cool to be with this kind of man should wake up and smell the reeking alcohol off of their man’s breath.

7. I hate that Filipino men piss at the nearest wall they can find.

Someone once told me that men have smaller bladders than women that’s why they can’t hold it in longer. I don’t know if this is true but it doesn’t give men the right to urinate everywhere.

6. I hate that Filipino men would find a way to dodge the marriage bullet or prove that it’s not theirs when they get a woman pregnant, but will coerce into a shot gun marriage anyone who knocked up their daughter or sister.

If you don’t want your daughter or sister to be treated that way, then don’t go planting your seeds if you can’t handle the responsibilities.

5. I hate that Filipino men still think that the man of the family has the last word.

A relationship is a partnership, therefore both persons should make the decision.

4. I hate that Filipino men think that they own their woman.

I’ve encountered some female friends who let their boyfriends tell them what to wear, where to go and who to hang out with. If ever you are in a loving relationship with a narcissistic guy who thinks you’re his possession, bail as early as possible. Remember Silence of the Lambs? the serial killer “objectified” his victim so he won’t feel remorse for her. If you let your man objectify you, it won’t be long for him to start using you as just another one of his stuff.

3. I hate Filipino men who are homophobic pigs who find satisfaction in ridiculing and degrading homosexuals.

How many times have I heard a guy ridicule one of his friends by calling him bakla? or how Filipino men still give threatening looks at gays when they happen to use the urinals at the same time? or how when they find out your gay they automatically avoid you because they think you’re gay and you might start sexually harrassing them. Newsflash! They’re gay but it doesn’t mean they have no taste, they won’t want you just because you’re a guy, they still choose you know?!

2. I hate how Filipino men display deceiving and false chivalry.

What irks me the most when I’m in a PUV is when a guy offers to me his seat instead of giving it to the old woman standing right beside me, and this has happened numerous times. I’ve also fallen victim to the nice guy offering his seat but slightly “accidentally” rubs his arms or hands on your boobs. Other guys would open a space for you in a crowded jeep so you can sit beside them, but you’d soon find out that the reason they keep moving was because it makes your skirt hike up. I’ve also noticed how men would offer their seats to a pretty woman but would ignore a plain jane standing for three hours inside a bus. I also abhor the fact that Filipino men claim that they have the utmost respect for Filipinas but would see everyday how these guys treat bar girls and prostitutes. Nobody should be denied of self respect, not even a bar girl, and even though they have that line of work, they’re still Filipinas.

1. I hate how Filipino men stare, ogle and make inappropriate and sometimes downright bastos remarks when they see a woman in a sexy outfit.

I love to dress up because it makes me feel beautiful and I feel good when I feel beautiful, I’m just angry with the fact that I can’t wear shorts or skirts without eliciting bastos remarks. Filipino men are backward thinkers who can’t ride the wagon of 21st century where appreciation is not expressed in such a boisterous and demeaning way. A woman wearing something revealing doesn’t give anyone access to remark or act inappropriately. Learn to show your appreciation with respect. And Please, for the love of God, DON’T STARE OR WHISTLE LOSERS.

*Note: Of course the author knows that not all Filipino men are like these. In reality, there are a lot of Filipino men who are respectable, kind and dignified…. but sadly they are a shrinking breed.

(Keleidoscope World intro inaudibly playing in the background)

Sad day for the entertainment industry.

The Master Rapper has finally succumbed to the big C yesterday noon at the age of 44. Francis Magalona has indeed left an indelible mark in the Philippine musical landscape when he broke into mainstream with the very first rap album entitled Yo!. Not only did he introduce hiphop to the then predominantly ballad and rock band based Philippine music scene, he also “Philippinized” rap, mixing the sounds of indigenous instruments with the western form of narrative singing. Indeed, he was the man from Manila, a proud kayumanggi and pinoy.

An icon and a legend, Francis M. will always be remembered as the man who instilled the love for Philippines in the hearts of the Filipinos through his music.